Got a problem you can't solve?  Then ask Dear Pitchy!

Katie writes:
hey pitchy alright enough with the small talk i have a serious delemma here.I cant seem to stop fantasizing about my sexy idol vanilla ice. But that isnt the problem of course. The problem is he is usually sporting a rainbow colored thong and mullet on hand in my thoughts which makes me have thoughts about stalking him in a non-anti- sexual way. Oh what i would give to hear him whisper in my ear "word to your motha" Should I persue this dream or die a sad confused woman?

Pitchy's reply:
Ya got a problem? Yo I’ll solve it, check out my answer here while my DJ revolves it. This may be “Hard to Swallow” but Vanilla Ice isn’t that smooth baggy glitter pants playa you remember. The man behind the Vanilla Ice façade, Robert Van Winkle has left the back spinning break dances for some goat killing heavy metal so I hope you have a fetish for tight leather pants, tattoos and body piercings out the ass. I do believe that the Ice man has a little too much class now to sport a mullet, but I can see the rainbow thongs happening. Now when you say non-anti-sexual way of stalking, you are using a double negative which implies that you will be stalking him in a sexual way. I may not be cupid here, but I’m betting he would love getting some girl action right about now. Once you have him in your grips, tell him your uncle is Suge Knight… Robby will shiver in fear and do anything you ask, including whispering the ever so sexy phrase “word to your motha.”


Becky writes:
My boyfriend is so strange. And it doesn't help that he's very jealous. We get into fights from the most stupidest things. what would you suggest i do? I don’t know how much i can take anymore!

Pitchy's reply:
People are strange, when you are stranger, faces look ugly, when you are alone... Never mind The Doors, even though Jim Morrison was like a prophet, a very very drunk sexy prophet! Anyway, people of the opposite sex are always going to be a little strange... I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get off during sex unless The Rosie O'Donell show was on in the background (interesting side note, my ex is now a fat lesbian and trying to adopt a Korean boy named Uchi) Now for the jealousy part... well guys are naturally wired that way, have been since the dawn of time when cavemen just bonked cavewomen on the head with clubs. Just be happy we live in a more civil time. Although lover spouts are common, you can easily rectify this situation by learning that the man is always right. If things do get violent, I would suggest finding you a new man who knows how to treat a lady.


Kelley writes:
oh my my my pitchy, i have a huge problem. you see, i am having naughty dreams involving your girlfriend *whom is also known as my wetness* and i. we are making a film of some degree and i cannot wake up from this dream. this scares me you see because i am not nor have i ever been a lesbian, but lauren is oh so fine that i seem to not be able to contain myself. andy says that he will drive me down to visit lauren to solve this problem of mine, but only if he can watch. what ever is a girl to do pitchy, please help!! =)

Pitchy's reply:
I also have naughty dreams of my girlfriend and often I wish there was a video camera laying around so I can get on film some of our more bizarre sexual escapades like the night in Tijuana with a bottle of tequila, some frozen burritos and the mechanical bull... perhaps one day her and I will gather the courage to perform in front of a movie crew. Anyway, I hate to inform you that Lauren is not a lesbian (but I have heard some interesting stories.) As much as I would love to see her get her freak on with another girl... it's just not going to happen, especially if it involves some other guy seeing her naked. Call me crazy, but it wouldn't bother me a bit for you to see her naked, just don't want your man seeing my woman in all of her feminine glory.


OMB writes:
Well, it's time to get this brain boggler out in the open. Pitchy, being the man that you are, can you tell us why guys are always "diggin" at their nuts?! It drives me NUTS!!! I'll be waiting for a good reply.

Pitchy's reply:
OMB, there is no logical explanation to this rude act of lewdness except for they sometimes itch an itch that desperately needs to be scratched. Also there are times with the digging of the nuts is merely a reposition effort as they do sometimes shift in transit to an uncomfortable location. They are sensitive and require a great deal of maintenance. Don’t think of it as an action men enjoy doing, but something that we have to do.


Leese writes:
dearest pitchy... i need a man's prospective so here's the situation. my birthday is next sunday and my daddy wants to get me something special. he said he wants to get me a high definition large screen tv. we could definitely use that but what i really want is a new louis vuitton purse. the purse costs considerably less than the tv but is still very expensive. he (being a man) cannot justify that kind of expense on a purse! he can however justify 4 or 5 times that on a tv!! how do i make him understand this purse is an investment purchase and will take me through many spring/summer seasons in tremendous style? :)) time is of the essence b/c he's getting the tv this week!!! how can i change his mind? :( sincerely, confused birthday girl

Pitchy's reply:
Dear dear Leese, let me first start off by wishing you a happy birthday. You ask how do we change your dad’s mind when the real question is how do we change YOUR mind. See Leese, you can use anything as a purse, from a pillow case, to a potato sack, to your expensive silly little French fashion item in which you are merely paying for a name. What you fail to understand is only a large screen HDTV can be a large screen HDTV. It is an engineering marvel that you shouldn’t take lightly. A digital TV will show everything in more vibrant and true to life colors, not to mention the ability to run your DVD player in progressive scan mode giving you 5 times the picture resolution than that of a normal TV. What you need to consider is which one will give you a more lasting pleasure. The HDTV will never go out of fashion and will last you many years, where as the purse’s only value is that of the name of the designer and one day soon he will be caught on his hands and knees going down on a bathroom full of sailors like the dirty bastard that he is and the tabloids will drag his name through the mud and your purse will be worth less than the 2 dollar make up you buy from K Mart. Do the smart thing and take the HDTV and tell your dad who much you love him for it!


 

Vinceismylovah writes:
Oh my god, Pitchy..you are the only one I can turn to with this. Sometimes, alone in my room late at night, I like to fantasize that I'm Liza Minelli..I pretend that I'm taking a lot of pain pills and hold conversations with my imaginary gay husband. Then I sing show tunes softly to myself until I fall asleep...Is this normal?

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Vinceismylovah, you are suffering from a very rare medical condition known as Minelimimintoxicotus. WemMD.com refuses to talk about, most psychologists don’t believe in it… it was first diagnosed in 1973 during the Watergate controversy when Nixon resign. What the public wasn’t aware of was that Watergate was just a cover-up for Nixon’s strange behavior. Nixon left the presidency because of Minelimimintoxicotus. To date, only 8 cases have ever been diagnosed and you now the 9th. Although 5 of the cases were oddly enough Liza Minelli’s gay ex husbands. Anyway, normal or not, you still have a problem. Dolphin therapy followed by listening to a lot of goth music is your only chance at living a somewhat decent life now. My heart goes out to you and your family through this troubled time of your life. I suggest you move to Florida Keys and consult with DHT (Dolphin Human Therapy) Also, trade in all of your flower dresses and pink blouses for nothing but Marilyn Manson t-shirts and black military fatigues. Good luck!


Darren writes:
Pitchy, I need help. I have had a crush on my aunt forever. It was nothing I thought about acting on or anything, but I have to say she is a very beautiful woman. The other day, while at a family get together, I caught her and her friend having sex in the basement. Her date didn't see, but our eyes met and she just smiled at me. To make things worse she caught me alone later that day and proceeded to flirt in a very un-auntily way, rubbing my leg and running her hands through my hair... I'm embarrased to say this, Pitchy, but all of my pent-up sexual fantasies came back and... let's just say she knows that I'm VERY attracted to her. Pitchy, help me. She's around all the time and I don't know where things could lead. What should I do?

Pitchy's reply:
Darren receives the honor of being the first guy to seek advice from Dear Pitchy. Anyway Darren, the question I need to know is if she is a blood related aunt or an aunt by marriage. Dear Pitchy sees nothing wrong with pursuing the naughty little fling with a member of your extended family who is not blood related since that alleviates the incest factor. Now if she is your mom’s sister or something similar, it may be a little weird to pursue since we are now entering the realm of Arkansans retard children. But this could be cease being a problem based on the level of hotness your aunt is multiplied by how sexy she is. If the number is greater than 75, then you are excused from any of the bad implementations of the incest factor. Sure it may be a little strange to the friends you tell that you scored your aunt, but you tell them about how she looks an older Drew Barrymore and did things to you that are illegal in 49 of the 50 states. Once your friends see how hot she is and what she did to you, they will hold you in such high esteem and will be asking for pictures, vhs and webcam feeds. Pitchy says we only live once… go for it!


MeowMeowMcManhole writes:
To achieve the ultimate "trailer trash" look I went to the dentist who successfully took a large chunk out of my front teeth to create a rather large but yet desired gap. I am very happy with my gap and desire to go get it filled with fake gold. I am happy to say that now truly look like the hick McManhole that I am. The problem is that when I try to go down on a guy his "skin" gets stuck in between my teeth. This last time that it happened we were rushed to the hospital by ambulance and the doctor had to detach us (which was so embarassing). Now Pitchy tell me, how can I achieve this attractive look without this happening again?

Pitchy's reply:
I hate to be the one to break this bad news to you... even though you removed the teeth which is very sexy to mullet heads and camero driving trailer trash everywhere, but once you slapped in the gold (fake or not) you ceased being the tin can trailer queen and became a ghetto head hood rat. Regardless of the semantics, you still have a problem. Without trading in your food stamps for dental care, you have two options. First, go down to the Home Depot and purchase some 30 grade sand paper then head over to your liquor store of choice and grab you a bottle of Wild Turkey. Get flat out drunk and have one of your neighbors begin to file down the problem area until it's nice, smooth and even. If sanding down your incisors is not in your neck of the woods, I would suggest going to Wal Mart's sporting goods department and getting a mouth guard... these little pieces of rubber will form nicely to your mouth if you bring them to a near boil in a pot of water then place in your mouth. While it may gag you at first, it is a lot less painful as well as cheaper not to mention you still have that same mack daddy gold grill that you love. Follow either of these two steps and you will be going down on your guy in no time without going down to the clinic.


Joogoo writes:
Boxers or Briefs?

Pitchy's reply:
This is such a simple one. Both boxers and briefs have their advantages and some real smart people sat around in secret underground laboratories at the C.I.A. through out the 70's and 80's. Eventually this government think tank, who was working on the same problem you have asked, came up with the astonishing conclusion to combine both benefits of boxers and briefs into one under garment aptly named boxer-briefs. Russian commando spies eventually stole the top secret documents on the development of the boxer-briefs and sold the blue prints to the Hanes corporation for 93 dollars and 75 cents (remember Russia was going through some hard economic times after the collapse of the U.S.S.R so $93.75 US dollars was like billions in Russian rubles) So anyway, Hanes eventually brought the boxer-brief to market and it has changed the lives of guys world wide. No longer do we have to decide between the two when we can have both at the same time.

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Got a problem you can't solve?  Then ask Dear Pitchy!