I can't stop abusing admin. Please help!
Dear Necro, it's sad really how people abuse their admin powers from the coorperate world to the internet. I think it is a result of low self esteem and you must belittle others to feel better about yourself. I think this is a result of that camping trip you took with your uncle and he told you he forgot to pack your sleeping bag so you had to sleep in his with him, and what happened after that was like a nightmare right out of Deliverance and if that wasn't bad enough your uncle got up when he was finished using you, and his friend stepped in to take his place and then his friend's friend, and by the time the night was over you had been molested by the entire cast and crew of the TV show Fame. So your way to deal with this sexual abuse on such a massive scale is to kick and ban people out of Counter-Strike servers you admin. I would say get some councling, but I don't think it would help now. Your only chance of becoming a non-abusive admin is to eat half a box of rat poison and take an old rusy soup can and use it to cut off both your index fingers. The resulting brain and organ damange plus the missing fingers will make it much more difficult for you to take out your frustrations with life on others who join your server.
Something has REALLY been bothering me. See, I have this neighbor who
was chatting with me the other day. We somehow got on the topic of leg
shaving. My neighbor told me that a he knows of a good alternative to
shaving. He said he does this with his nuts. He applies a little dairy
cream to them and lets his cat lick them off. I was like, WHATTHEHELL!!!,
soooo, should I have this fucker committed??? He also likes to bathe in
KY Jelly... Gallons of KY. One day I walked in because he wouldn’t
answer the door and he had duct taped himself to his kitchen floor. It
was silver duct tape, pitchy. Should I move away? He scares me. Is he
a potential serial killer? - My Mom
Thanks for writing mom – if that is your real name. Frankly I am
shocked by this letter. One typically does not discuss taboos such as
shaving with your own neighbors unless done incognito in an AOL chat room.
I can easily overlook this as pure ignorance. What I cannot overlook however
is the criminal acts you have committed, no matter how well your intentions
were, you broke into the man’s house. I was seriously flabbergasted
when you just barged into a man’s abode as you did. You state that
he wouldn’t answer the door but did you ever think he may not be
home? Or is it common practice for you to enter the homes of your neighbors
when they aren’t around? Then you find a man duct taped to his kitchen
floor and you leave him there? He could have been the victim of another
criminal act that you didn’t commit. I find it hard to believe that
a man can adequately duct tape himself to a floor. The only thing disturbing
about this letter is you. Perhaps he is the one that should move away
for fear of what you may do next. Do not judge a man for the close relationship
he shares with his feline. I find it no different than the girls who use
peanut butter to lure their dogs into some unnatural form of fellatio
that I find myself downloading videos of off the wonderful world of the
Hello Pitchy, I need some advice, my friend has a problem & addiction,
but its kind of my fault. I feel a little guilty so Im coming to you for
help. I introduced my friend to the joys of gerbil insertion, he loved
it & has been doing it for months now, but the problem is hes gone
overboard! Hes spending every paycheck on them, his full paycheck. Hes
bought so many of them, he now has to make an hour & a half drive
to a new city in order to buy more because hes depleted the pet stores
around here. Hes extremely addicted & cannot stop, Ive tried to help
him, but hes inserting 4-5 at a time & then throwing them away. Ive
told him over & over that he doesnt have to throw them away after
1 use, he can re-use them. Now how do I get him to stop with this problem,
I havent seen any "gerbil addiction clinics" around so Im totally
lost. PLEASE HELP ME
Believe it or not, this is one of the more common problems
Pitchy has been asked to solve. So common in fact that PETA
has several militant factions to try and combat the damage being down
to the gerbil population. This is a serious health problem to both your
friend and the gerbil. I don't think I even need to discuss how unhygienic
it is upon release not to mention the possibility of rodent fecal matter
being lodged in the deep crevasses of your friend's anus that only a high
pressure enema can adequately remove. But fear not, a Russian scientist
spending his post-Nobel prize time developing the GERBILIZER 3000. It
is a safe robotic like critter that looks, feels and acts just like the
real thing. So much in fact that there is a heated dispute between RealDolls.com
and the manufacturer of Gerbilizer 3000 over the technology used to make
the pseudo-gerbil. Your friend shall never have to harm a living gerbil
again with this wonderful new invention. If he is feeling a little more
kinky he can upgrade to the Gerbilizer 4000c with live streaming webcam
so he can see the action in real time. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.
Nothing looks, feels and acts more natural than the Gerbilizer!!!
How does one go about getting their own personal gimp?
Well you can maybe go about it through one of those mail-order
bride type sites... and when she comes in, slap her in latex, gag her
mouth shut and make her do sexual favors for food until she eventually
becomes trained... at least that's how I've always envisioned it. I don't
want no male gimp like in Pulp Fiction... I want a cute lil Asian or Russian
If you don't think you are capable of fulfilling the long term duties
involved in keeping a gimp, then your best option might be to lease or
rent a gimp. www.rentagimp.com
might be a good place to look or google up gimps for hire. Check your
local personal ads in the paper... there's plenty of weekend gimps who
do it for free.
Remember, a gimp is a lot of responsibility, much like a dog or kitten,
but more importantly a dog or kitten you can have sex with.
Pitchy, I have a problem and didn't know where else to turn. I find myself
constantly touching my "naughty" parts thinking about this guy
I know. Just the thought of him makes me crazy! I know it's sick, but
I've gone as far as taping his picture on a body pillow... attaching a
dildo... and fucking the shit out of it every single night. Call me a
freak; I don't care. This man is my dream man and I can't help myself.
Please help me Pitchy, is there something wrong with me? What should I
Is there something wrong with you? Well hell yeah there
is, you’re fucking a pillow when there are lots of guys out there
who could use a good fucking. I suggest you make a “dream man”
mask and force your lovers wear it as you get it on. That way you can
at least be providing a service to some lonely desperate men and you can
still get off while staring at your dream man. Now get out there and make
some guy happy until you actually get a chance do your dream man you freaky
pillow fucker! Keep that in mind and I’m sure you will get a pleasant
surprise for your birthday. It’s in the cards honey child, Pitchy
predicts it so it must be true…just like my hero, Ms. Cleo.
Can you help me? I'm addicted to the tanning bed. I have been in the tanning
bed for four days straight. Each time, I stay twenty minutes. I am afraid
it will cook my insides. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I will get in
the tanning bed. I should be sleeping because I have to get up early.
I am addicted to it. I have a problem. I don't wear the eye goggles. Even
though I know it is very harmful for your eyes. I don't wear them because
I don't want raccoon eyes. Please help!
Dear Jessica, I know you want to look sexy and I am sure
you do, but tanning the natural way might be the best way. I am not sure
of the full extent of the possible problems that can occur from using
a tanning bed but I am sure that frequent exposure to UV radiation will
first dry out your skin giving you that leather like feel. Then like any
other form of radiation, excessive exposure will slowly cook your insides.
You should be wearing goggles because you have very little skin protecting
your eyes and right now they are slowly turning into hard-boiled eggs.
Limit yourself to 20 minutes a day 3 times a week… anymore than
that and you will end up looking like bacon girl from planet boiled beaver.
According to Vogue, raccoon eyes are in this year so slap on those goggles
and get hip with safety and fashion.
Rear Admiral writes:
I am constantly having chaffing of the bunghole. I shave regularly but
after a good one I am so dry and chaffed that I can barely walk. I use
KY Jelly constantly and substitute Petroleum Jelly when I am out. Do you
think the fact that I shave is what is causing my bunghole to chaff? It
is really painful not only for me but for my master. He complains regularly
and whips me severely for it. Thanks for your help...
Dear Admiral, there are two possibilities for your chaffed
bunghole. (1) - Shaving. You may not be shaving properly. The first step
is to apply shaving cream a few minutes before shaving to soften hairs.
Be sure to use a sharp blade. When shaving, stroke an area no more than
twice to reduce skin irritation. On the first stroke, go "with the
grain" to remove most of the hair, then go "against the grain"
for a smooth, close shave. Be sure to clean the area afterwards with soap
and water to reduce the risk of infection. Ideally, give the area a second
cleansing using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol. Some people find daily
applying baby powder or talcum powder especially helpful after shaving
to keep the area dry and irritation free.
Practice clean hygiene after shaving, washing the area at least once a
day to reduce sweat and oil build-up. Letting hair grow out after shaving
your pubic area is a pain. The sharp hairs combined with the sensitive
skin will make you realize just how much movement happens in that area
on an average day. Chaffing is nearly unavoidable.
(2) - Anal Sex. Immediately after anal sex the muscles may be looser and
you can discharge a little fluid. If you don't use a condom and your master
ejaculates into you with lubricant, it can also leak out. This leakage
can chaff your skin if not detected and properly cleaned. To avoid anal
leakage reduce your intake of Olestra and after anal sex, lay on your
back with your knees by your head for 30 minutes. This should stop any
leakage by rerouting it further up your rectum.
See, I have (well had) this b/f that was just wonderful. I mean, he IS
wonderful but that’s beside the point. A few days ago he just up
and broke it off with me. (after 5 months!) well then two days later he's
acting like he never did anything, and that he doesn’t know what
I’m talking about when I mention our break. He's driving me nuts!
Can you please please please tell me what to do with the numb nut... I
Sometimes guys do things like that because girls drive
them crazy. I’m sure whatever reasons he had for initially breaking
up with you were the results of something you did. Your letter is filled
with silent hostility; you call him names, expect way too much and apparently
you don’t even understand what he is feeling or going through. Stop
being selfish and start trying to listen to what he is saying. He’s
calling out for your love and attention but you are just too stupid to
see that. I don’t think he is driving you nuts, I think you were
already there long before he showed up.
I have this friend who lies a LOT. Now she's got this dude that she wants
to 'hook me up with' that is totally and I mean TOTALLY a jackass...not
to mention the fact that he's like 23. The problem is I don’t want
to go out with him at all for those reasons and the fact that God only
knows what she's told him about me. What in the hell am I supposed to
Take what you can get girl, because the way your letter
was originally worded and not to mention how you spell and add …
after every other word tells me that you need help. My spell checker nearly
choked when he saw your letter and I had to put him to work on overtime
just to fix your illicit use of grammar and lack of any spelling skills.
I know when I was 23 I was in my prime (what am I talking about? I’m
still in my prime) Anyway there’s nothing wrong with dating a 23yr
old unless you are 14 or 84 then its either gross or illegal. You should
be thanking your friend for taking the time and effort to hook your illiterate
ass up with a guy who apparently doesn’t have the moral qualms to
date or worse yet, screw retards. Stop whining, climb off your little
yellow bus and go for it.
Why is it when I constantly use Goldbond my balls still smell nasty? What
can I do to cure the smell and then get laid?
First off, I really hope that Crotch Issues isn’t
your real name because if it is, then you have a whole other set of problems.
Using medicated power such as Goldbond can’t cure bad hygiene. Smelly
balls are usually the result of a leaky penis, whether it be from not
shaking thoroughly after you pee to things such as pre-cum and those ever
so annoying wet dreams… when this stuff leaks from the tip of your
penis to your balls… it just sits there and waits, then it waits
some more and you still haven’t washed the funk away, it just kind
of seeps in there. So now you got crusty piss stained balls that smell
like the sweaty ass of one of those Saudi camel fuckers. Here’s
a tip for you, take a fucking shower! Once you learn how to be clean and
wash that funk away, then the girls will start paying attention to you
again unless you look like Mike “the Reech” Ricci of the San
Jose sharks, then you might want to find you a nice little cave and hope
that some lost troll lady strolls by so you can club her on the head and
do some of that Stephen King “Misery” type shit keeping her
tied down with broken legs to prevent her escape.
Where to start? Well...about a month ago my boyfriend had to go t jail
for unpaid child support. And he's in there for 18 months. About a week
ago he asked me to marry him. I love him so much, but he told me that
if i wanted to that I could go out with someone else till he gets out
of jail. I don’t know what to do. Please help!
Dear Becky… how to I put this? Apparently you are
dating a loser! He’s already proven that he doesn’t even care
for his own offspring, and his baby’s mother has done the right
thing by locking his slacker self up. So he’s in their for 18 months
and usually after the 3rd month, you have been replaced with Bubba McPedderass
and by the time he tastes freedom again, he won’t even remember
who you are and since you lack back hair, he will have no interest in
you anymore. Do the smart thing and find you a nice republican boy who
will treat you like a lady.
I have seven toes!!! Spring and summer are approaching fast...and i refuse
to go around ANOTHER summer in sandals that reveal my sixth and seventh
toes!!! Pitchy..you gotta help me......
Dear Poopface, having webbed feet and extra toes are nothing
to be a shamed about. You should embrace the gift given to you. If people
look at you funny, it’s because they are jealous that you have more
than they do. People are naturally greedy and want what they don’t
have and extra appendages being one of them. It’s been my dream
since I was a little boy to have 6 toes and 6 fingers, but God being the
cruel deity that she is, refuses to answer my prayers and sadly I can’t
afford the surgery to have them graphed on. If you are still embarrassed,
you could always hippy out and wear socks with your flip flops and sandals
or you could tape your toes together with flesh colored tape and then
paint fake toenails on the tape to trick people into thinking you have
the standard issue amount of toes.
I'm in love with this girl, and i know you're the expert on women, I think
she’s just a bitch and the nice girl hig is just an act. I don’t
know what to do, please help me pitchy.
Its been my experience that most girls are in fact bitches.
You can’t blame them for this, it’s genetic. The nice girl
act should be a red flag that she wants something from you like a new
car or an engagement ring or for you to take her to Paris to do naked
bungee jumping from the Eiffel Tower only to have you arrested for not
having a passport because she sold yours to a French mime named Jacques
Pierre who is really a porn terrorist… damn you Vicky for humiliating
me like that! (sorry for the outburst) Anyway, if you love the girl, you
might as well get used to the whole moody part bitch part nice girl routine…
like I said, its genetic and you really can’t blame them.
dear pitchy...word on the street is that you can hook me up with a hottie...i
need one. you see, i havent gotten *ANY* for a while, and as we all
know, a girl with no luv'n is a bad bad thing. so please, set me up
with some bachelors...;) wub kelley
Pitchy isn’t a pimp lady!!! But I do have a few
single friends as long as you don't mind stinky sweaty hockey players
who would rather play video games than perform domesticated duties such
as dishes, laundry and bathing. Some of them believe that beer constitutes
as vitamin B and that ketchup is a vegetable. So they may not be the brightest
of guys nor are they in the upper echelon of hygiene, but they can play
hockey with the best of them and can tell you the names of every character
in the Final Fantasy series. Surely you are the right girl for either
my friend Mike or Jose. Phone numbers available upon request and a small
just fee for my services.