Got a problem you can't solve?  Then ask Dear Pitchy!

Necro writes:
I can't stop abusing admin. Please help!

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Necro, it's sad really how people abuse their admin powers from the coorperate world to the internet. I think it is a result of low self esteem and you must belittle others to feel better about yourself. I think this is a result of that camping trip you took with your uncle and he told you he forgot to pack your sleeping bag so you had to sleep in his with him, and what happened after that was like a nightmare right out of Deliverance and if that wasn't bad enough your uncle got up when he was finished using you, and his friend stepped in to take his place and then his friend's friend, and by the time the night was over you had been molested by the entire cast and crew of the TV show Fame. So your way to deal with this sexual abuse on such a massive scale is to kick and ban people out of Counter-Strike servers you admin. I would say get some councling, but I don't think it would help now. Your only chance of becoming a non-abusive admin is to eat half a box of rat poison and take an old rusy soup can and use it to cut off both your index fingers. The resulting brain and organ damange plus the missing fingers will make it much more difficult for you to take out your frustrations with life on others who join your server.


Mom writes:
Dear Pitchy,
Something has REALLY been bothering me. See, I have this neighbor who was chatting with me the other day. We somehow got on the topic of leg shaving. My neighbor told me that a he knows of a good alternative to shaving. He said he does this with his nuts. He applies a little dairy cream to them and lets his cat lick them off. I was like, WHATTHEHELL!!!, soooo, should I have this fucker committed??? He also likes to bathe in KY Jelly... Gallons of KY. One day I walked in because he wouldn’t answer the door and he had duct taped himself to his kitchen floor. It was silver duct tape, pitchy. Should I move away? He scares me. Is he a potential serial killer? - My Mom

Pitchy's reply:
Thanks for writing mom – if that is your real name. Frankly I am shocked by this letter. One typically does not discuss taboos such as shaving with your own neighbors unless done incognito in an AOL chat room. I can easily overlook this as pure ignorance. What I cannot overlook however is the criminal acts you have committed, no matter how well your intentions were, you broke into the man’s house. I was seriously flabbergasted when you just barged into a man’s abode as you did. You state that he wouldn’t answer the door but did you ever think he may not be home? Or is it common practice for you to enter the homes of your neighbors when they aren’t around? Then you find a man duct taped to his kitchen floor and you leave him there? He could have been the victim of another criminal act that you didn’t commit. I find it hard to believe that a man can adequately duct tape himself to a floor. The only thing disturbing about this letter is you. Perhaps he is the one that should move away for fear of what you may do next. Do not judge a man for the close relationship he shares with his feline. I find it no different than the girls who use peanut butter to lure their dogs into some unnatural form of fellatio that I find myself downloading videos of off the wonderful world of the internet.


V. writes:
Hello Pitchy, I need some advice, my friend has a problem & addiction, but its kind of my fault. I feel a little guilty so Im coming to you for help. I introduced my friend to the joys of gerbil insertion, he loved it & has been doing it for months now, but the problem is hes gone overboard! Hes spending every paycheck on them, his full paycheck. Hes bought so many of them, he now has to make an hour & a half drive to a new city in order to buy more because hes depleted the pet stores around here. Hes extremely addicted & cannot stop, Ive tried to help him, but hes inserting 4-5 at a time & then throwing them away. Ive told him over & over that he doesnt have to throw them away after 1 use, he can re-use them. Now how do I get him to stop with this problem, I havent seen any "gerbil addiction clinics" around so Im totally lost. PLEASE HELP ME

Pitchy's reply:
Believe it or not, this is one of the more common problems Pitchy has been asked to solve. So common in fact that PETA has several militant factions to try and combat the damage being down to the gerbil population. This is a serious health problem to both your friend and the gerbil. I don't think I even need to discuss how unhygienic it is upon release not to mention the possibility of rodent fecal matter being lodged in the deep crevasses of your friend's anus that only a high pressure enema can adequately remove. But fear not, a Russian scientist spending his post-Nobel prize time developing the GERBILIZER 3000. It is a safe robotic like critter that looks, feels and acts just like the real thing. So much in fact that there is a heated dispute between RealDolls.com and the manufacturer of Gerbilizer 3000 over the technology used to make the pseudo-gerbil. Your friend shall never have to harm a living gerbil again with this wonderful new invention. If he is feeling a little more kinky he can upgrade to the Gerbilizer 4000c with live streaming webcam so he can see the action in real time. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations. Nothing looks, feels and acts more natural than the Gerbilizer!!!


Chumley writes:
How does one go about getting their own personal gimp?

Pitchy's reply:
Well you can maybe go about it through one of those mail-order bride type sites... and when she comes in, slap her in latex, gag her mouth shut and make her do sexual favors for food until she eventually becomes trained... at least that's how I've always envisioned it. I don't want no male gimp like in Pulp Fiction... I want a cute lil Asian or Russian gimp.

If you don't think you are capable of fulfilling the long term duties involved in keeping a gimp, then your best option might be to lease or rent a gimp. www.rentagimp.com might be a good place to look or google up gimps for hire. Check your local personal ads in the paper... there's plenty of weekend gimps who do it for free.

Remember, a gimp is a lot of responsibility, much like a dog or kitten, but more importantly a dog or kitten you can have sex with.


Monica writes:
Pitchy, I have a problem and didn't know where else to turn. I find myself constantly touching my "naughty" parts thinking about this guy I know. Just the thought of him makes me crazy! I know it's sick, but I've gone as far as taping his picture on a body pillow... attaching a dildo... and fucking the shit out of it every single night. Call me a freak; I don't care. This man is my dream man and I can't help myself. Please help me Pitchy, is there something wrong with me? What should I do?

Pitchy's reply:
Is there something wrong with you? Well hell yeah there is, you’re fucking a pillow when there are lots of guys out there who could use a good fucking. I suggest you make a “dream man” mask and force your lovers wear it as you get it on. That way you can at least be providing a service to some lonely desperate men and you can still get off while staring at your dream man. Now get out there and make some guy happy until you actually get a chance do your dream man you freaky pillow fucker! Keep that in mind and I’m sure you will get a pleasant surprise for your birthday. It’s in the cards honey child, Pitchy predicts it so it must be true…just like my hero, Ms. Cleo.


Jessica writes:
Can you help me? I'm addicted to the tanning bed. I have been in the tanning bed for four days straight. Each time, I stay twenty minutes. I am afraid it will cook my insides. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I will get in the tanning bed. I should be sleeping because I have to get up early. I am addicted to it. I have a problem. I don't wear the eye goggles. Even though I know it is very harmful for your eyes. I don't wear them because I don't want raccoon eyes. Please help!

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Jessica, I know you want to look sexy and I am sure you do, but tanning the natural way might be the best way. I am not sure of the full extent of the possible problems that can occur from using a tanning bed but I am sure that frequent exposure to UV radiation will first dry out your skin giving you that leather like feel. Then like any other form of radiation, excessive exposure will slowly cook your insides. You should be wearing goggles because you have very little skin protecting your eyes and right now they are slowly turning into hard-boiled eggs. Limit yourself to 20 minutes a day 3 times a week… anymore than that and you will end up looking like bacon girl from planet boiled beaver. According to Vogue, raccoon eyes are in this year so slap on those goggles and get hip with safety and fashion.


Rear Admiral writes:
I am constantly having chaffing of the bunghole. I shave regularly but after a good one I am so dry and chaffed that I can barely walk. I use KY Jelly constantly and substitute Petroleum Jelly when I am out. Do you think the fact that I shave is what is causing my bunghole to chaff? It is really painful not only for me but for my master. He complains regularly and whips me severely for it. Thanks for your help...

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Admiral, there are two possibilities for your chaffed bunghole. (1) - Shaving. You may not be shaving properly. The first step is to apply shaving cream a few minutes before shaving to soften hairs. Be sure to use a sharp blade. When shaving, stroke an area no more than twice to reduce skin irritation. On the first stroke, go "with the grain" to remove most of the hair, then go "against the grain" for a smooth, close shave. Be sure to clean the area afterwards with soap and water to reduce the risk of infection. Ideally, give the area a second cleansing using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol. Some people find daily applying baby powder or talcum powder especially helpful after shaving to keep the area dry and irritation free.
Practice clean hygiene after shaving, washing the area at least once a day to reduce sweat and oil build-up. Letting hair grow out after shaving your pubic area is a pain. The sharp hairs combined with the sensitive skin will make you realize just how much movement happens in that area on an average day. Chaffing is nearly unavoidable.
(2) - Anal Sex. Immediately after anal sex the muscles may be looser and you can discharge a little fluid. If you don't use a condom and your master ejaculates into you with lubricant, it can also leak out. This leakage can chaff your skin if not detected and properly cleaned. To avoid anal leakage reduce your intake of Olestra and after anal sex, lay on your back with your knees by your head for 30 minutes. This should stop any leakage by rerouting it further up your rectum.


Rachel writes:
See, I have (well had) this b/f that was just wonderful. I mean, he IS wonderful but that’s beside the point. A few days ago he just up and broke it off with me. (after 5 months!) well then two days later he's acting like he never did anything, and that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about when I mention our break. He's driving me nuts! Can you please please please tell me what to do with the numb nut... I mean guy.

Pitchy's reply:
Sometimes guys do things like that because girls drive them crazy. I’m sure whatever reasons he had for initially breaking up with you were the results of something you did. Your letter is filled with silent hostility; you call him names, expect way too much and apparently you don’t even understand what he is feeling or going through. Stop being selfish and start trying to listen to what he is saying. He’s calling out for your love and attention but you are just too stupid to see that. I don’t think he is driving you nuts, I think you were already there long before he showed up.


bigbaby writes:
I have this friend who lies a LOT. Now she's got this dude that she wants to 'hook me up with' that is totally and I mean TOTALLY a jackass...not to mention the fact that he's like 23. The problem is I don’t want to go out with him at all for those reasons and the fact that God only knows what she's told him about me. What in the hell am I supposed to do here?

Pitchy's reply:
Take what you can get girl, because the way your letter was originally worded and not to mention how you spell and add … after every other word tells me that you need help. My spell checker nearly choked when he saw your letter and I had to put him to work on overtime just to fix your illicit use of grammar and lack of any spelling skills. I know when I was 23 I was in my prime (what am I talking about? I’m still in my prime) Anyway there’s nothing wrong with dating a 23yr old unless you are 14 or 84 then its either gross or illegal. You should be thanking your friend for taking the time and effort to hook your illiterate ass up with a guy who apparently doesn’t have the moral qualms to date or worse yet, screw retards. Stop whining, climb off your little yellow bus and go for it.


Crotch Issues writes:
Why is it when I constantly use Goldbond my balls still smell nasty? What can I do to cure the smell and then get laid?

Pitchy's reply:
First off, I really hope that Crotch Issues isn’t your real name because if it is, then you have a whole other set of problems. Using medicated power such as Goldbond can’t cure bad hygiene. Smelly balls are usually the result of a leaky penis, whether it be from not shaking thoroughly after you pee to things such as pre-cum and those ever so annoying wet dreams… when this stuff leaks from the tip of your penis to your balls… it just sits there and waits, then it waits some more and you still haven’t washed the funk away, it just kind of seeps in there. So now you got crusty piss stained balls that smell like the sweaty ass of one of those Saudi camel fuckers. Here’s a tip for you, take a fucking shower! Once you learn how to be clean and wash that funk away, then the girls will start paying attention to you again unless you look like Mike “the Reech” Ricci of the San Jose sharks, then you might want to find you a nice little cave and hope that some lost troll lady strolls by so you can club her on the head and do some of that Stephen King “Misery” type shit keeping her tied down with broken legs to prevent her escape.


writes:
Please help!

Pitchy's reply:
Dear


Becky writes:
Where to start? Well...about a month ago my boyfriend had to go t jail for unpaid child support. And he's in there for 18 months. About a week ago he asked me to marry him. I love him so much, but he told me that if i wanted to that I could go out with someone else till he gets out of jail. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Becky… how to I put this? Apparently you are dating a loser! He’s already proven that he doesn’t even care for his own offspring, and his baby’s mother has done the right thing by locking his slacker self up. So he’s in their for 18 months and usually after the 3rd month, you have been replaced with Bubba McPedderass and by the time he tastes freedom again, he won’t even remember who you are and since you lack back hair, he will have no interest in you anymore. Do the smart thing and find you a nice republican boy who will treat you like a lady.


Poopface writes:
I have seven toes!!! Spring and summer are approaching fast...and i refuse to go around ANOTHER summer in sandals that reveal my sixth and seventh toes!!! Pitchy..you gotta help me......

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Poopface, having webbed feet and extra toes are nothing to be a shamed about. You should embrace the gift given to you. If people look at you funny, it’s because they are jealous that you have more than they do. People are naturally greedy and want what they don’t have and extra appendages being one of them. It’s been my dream since I was a little boy to have 6 toes and 6 fingers, but God being the cruel deity that she is, refuses to answer my prayers and sadly I can’t afford the surgery to have them graphed on. If you are still embarrassed, you could always hippy out and wear socks with your flip flops and sandals or you could tape your toes together with flesh colored tape and then paint fake toenails on the tape to trick people into thinking you have the standard issue amount of toes.


dinnti_hagfen writes:
I'm in love with this girl, and i know you're the expert on women, I think she’s just a bitch and the nice girl hig is just an act. I don’t know what to do, please help me pitchy.

Pitchy's reply:
Its been my experience that most girls are in fact bitches. You can’t blame them for this, it’s genetic. The nice girl act should be a red flag that she wants something from you like a new car or an engagement ring or for you to take her to Paris to do naked bungee jumping from the Eiffel Tower only to have you arrested for not having a passport because she sold yours to a French mime named Jacques Pierre who is really a porn terrorist… damn you Vicky for humiliating me like that! (sorry for the outburst) Anyway, if you love the girl, you might as well get used to the whole moody part bitch part nice girl routine… like I said, its genetic and you really can’t blame them.


Kelley writes:
dear pitchy...word on the street is that you can hook me up with a hottie...i need one. you see, i havent gotten *ANY* for a while, and as we all know, a girl with no luv'n is a bad bad thing. so please, set me up with some bachelors...;) wub kelley

Pitchy's reply:
Pitchy isn’t a pimp lady!!! But I do have a few single friends as long as you don't mind stinky sweaty hockey players who would rather play video games than perform domesticated duties such as dishes, laundry and bathing. Some of them believe that beer constitutes as vitamin B and that ketchup is a vegetable. So they may not be the brightest of guys nor are they in the upper echelon of hygiene, but they can play hockey with the best of them and can tell you the names of every character in the Final Fantasy series. Surely you are the right girl for either my friend Mike or Jose. Phone numbers available upon request and a small just fee for my services.

 

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Got a problem you can't solve?  Then ask Dear Pitchy!